Post by TheAstronaut on Apr 5, 2003 13:04:48 GMT 10
A Stupid Person's Guide To Life
By Samuel Stoddard
Additional Material by David J. Parker
Are you a stupid person? Do you find day-to-day life hard? Do you wish life had an instruction booklet? Do you wish your brain had an owner's manual? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you've come to the right place. This page provides, free of charge, a short "guide to life." In here, you'll find most of the information you need to live life day by day without inadvertently maiming yourself. Read carefully. Carry out each instruction to the letter.
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The Guide
Don't eat rocks.
Don't take naps in the road.
Don't stoke fires with your fingers.
Don't throw a brick straight up.
Don't breathe car exhaust.
If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.
Don't flip off the Mafia.
If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
Don't shave with a lawn mower.
Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.
The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.
Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.
Don't eat hot coals.
Don't escape in to jail.
Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
Sell at most one of your kidneys.
Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
Don't snap towels at passing cops.
Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
Don't lick dry ice.
Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.
Don't pour salt in your eyes.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
Don't microwave yourself.
Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
Don't swallow toothpaste.
Don't chew Tylenol.
Don't bathe in gasoline.
Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.
Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
Don't go swimming in a well.
Rake leaves, not people.
Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.
Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
Elvis is dead. Get over it.
Wear clothes.
Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
Don't drink.
Don't drive.
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
Give me all your money.
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.
Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
By Samuel Stoddard
Additional Material by David J. Parker
Are you a stupid person? Do you find day-to-day life hard? Do you wish life had an instruction booklet? Do you wish your brain had an owner's manual? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you've come to the right place. This page provides, free of charge, a short "guide to life." In here, you'll find most of the information you need to live life day by day without inadvertently maiming yourself. Read carefully. Carry out each instruction to the letter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Guide
Don't eat rocks.
Don't take naps in the road.
Don't stoke fires with your fingers.
Don't throw a brick straight up.
Don't breathe car exhaust.
If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.
Don't flip off the Mafia.
If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
Don't shave with a lawn mower.
Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.
The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.
Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.
Don't eat hot coals.
Don't escape in to jail.
Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
Sell at most one of your kidneys.
Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
Don't snap towels at passing cops.
Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
Don't lick dry ice.
Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.
Don't pour salt in your eyes.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
Don't microwave yourself.
Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
Don't swallow toothpaste.
Don't chew Tylenol.
Don't bathe in gasoline.
Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.
Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
Don't go swimming in a well.
Rake leaves, not people.
Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.
Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
Elvis is dead. Get over it.
Wear clothes.
Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
Don't drink.
Don't drive.
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
Give me all your money.
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.
Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.