Spank Me Silly postings

[fathershark]

As per a suggestion in the other thread, I'm now going to shamelessly post the stuff I write for www.spankmeslly.com

Origin, Part 1
Friday, June 21, 2002 - 9:56 PM -
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I've been absolutely swamped with requests from other people to explain how I have developed into the strikingly charismatic, intelligent and driven individual that I am today. It is however not as simple as having chosen a perfect life. This is the first chapter in an ongoing series of posts that will attempt to detail how greatness comes about.

I grew up on the Central Coast, which sort of explains my penchant for DeFacto relationships, Winnie Red's, disused vehicles as lawn furniture and the complete bastardisation of the English language as a dialect. The myth of the idyllic, platinum visa card carrying coasty is restricted to the southern part of the area - Terrigal, Avoca and such. These pretentious, self-important fuckers honestly think that "Wyong" is a Latte flavour, "Tuggerah" is position no.37 of the Kuma Satra, and "Budgewoi" is a domesticated bird.

The actual suburb in which I was raised is Tacoma, a sleepy hillbilly infested location along Tuggerah Lakes - which much to my surprise contained water inlets. Waking up to the smell of gum leaves while hearing drunken locals decapitate pelicans with chainsaws was heartwarming to say the least.

My first experience of drinking and smoking, the cumulative experiences which make me the person that I am today were next to Toukley Junior's football club where I played Rugby League: poorly, being possessed of the co-ordinational abilities of post-horsey Christopher Reeve (you will believe a man can fly!). My first kiss was playing catch and kiss with a local strumpet at a friend's 13th birthday party. The fact I am such a plebian means that I pine for this girl and her gothic musings some 12 years later. My first fight was at high school because unbeknownst to me; I was apparently a "fucking fag" - a view which was derived from my physical appearance. I was and still do look like Shirley Temple smoking crack pipe's in a toilet cubicle, and I am currently in a support group to deal with the massive trauma associated with this. I'd shave my head, but the last time I did, I had fucktards coming up to me and saying how much they loved "Play".

It was difficult for me to socialise on the Coast, as my contemporaries were feral bogans. I found my real niche when I was introduced to the crazy world of contraband, fucked the school slurry, and learnt how to incorporate the term "cuntrag" into conversation with Police Officers..........

Intrigued? Doubtlessly. I'll fictionalise, erm, I mean document more of my past in coming weeks.

[fathershark]

Feeling the Pinch
Tuesday, May 28, 2002 - 2:35 PM -
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There was a point at the end of the year before last that I had a problem with work ethic. Yes, I know that I look like a burnt out skull fucked exec pushing 120 hours in a clam factory, but that has more to do with my lifestyle choices than anything - honestly, there is a rippling athlete inside this sagging jaded pile of decaying flesh - Like Ian Thorpe, but without the annoying and gay thing.

Anyway, on a typical Wednesday I decided to take a "day of leisure".... which on average usually involved:

1) Pulling on 600 cones
2) Pulling out a colouring book
3) Feeling too lethargic to colour in said colouring book
4) Sleeping the rest of the day in bed with my toes in my mouth

Such a grandiose collection of activities for the employed requires a sicky. In my case, because the of the number of previous day's I'd taken off "sick", I was required by company policy to provide a doctor's certificate. In my case I was positive that the company had a dedicated officer to handle my sick leave documentation, such were the number of reams of it arriving regularly. On this particular morning after having made the decision to blow off work, I realised in my semi-conscious state that I had actually used up most conventional illnesses & injuries when pulling this shit before. Like:

- The Flu
- Glandular Fever
- Strained Ankle
- Third Degree Burns occurring from lighting farts with a toaster
- Concussion after a blast from my grandmothers exploding colostomy bag
- Radiation poisoning after being struck by fragments of Space Station Mir still re-entering the atmosphere

Things were desperate. I think of myself as a creative person, but I needed a fictional ailment to present to a Doctors surgery quickly. Then it struck me - Abdominal pain and bleeding from the, erm, anus. It seemed perfect - serious enough to warrant at least a couple of days off, minor enough to be "treated" quickly, and revolting enough to avoid many questions from work management.

All I had to do was go to see one of the local GP's who I'd not yet graced with my presence, and vi-fucking-ola. Anyway, the GP I found was a young, by-the-book, idealistic kind of guy, and he was quite concerned with my immediate health when I explained the symptoms to him in a weary, unsettled voice. I was deeply moved, considerably more than when I had one of my legs broken by a Police Officer when I questioned his gender and sexuality while intoxicated. I'd found the perfect local doctor, personal, conscientious, and working in my interests.

The Doctor suggested that I undertake a few tests to determine my "ailment". Fair Enough, I thought, needles don't bother me that much having spent most of my adolescence on Cabramatta railway station. The doctor indeed wanted blood tests, but there was another test that could be initiated then and there without visiting a pathologist. I was keen to push off and start my day in limbo, so I quickly agreed to his suggestion. Then I heard the word "Okay Justin. Can you stand over there against the table and remove strides and jocks, and then loosen your bowels".

What-The-Fuck?

I've lived my life happily as a heterosexual dude. What I mean by that is that I love women's bits (even artificial limbs - that Paul McCartney is a lucky doggy). It is not so much that I avoided having any container of flesh permeate that most private and spiritual of places, just that it had never occurred to me as I really don't like men in that way. Really. Now in a Doctor's surgery, because of a casual lie I told to get out of work, my life was going to change. The Doctor was going to remove a stool sample to test wether there were any traces of blood. Obviously, I already knew the answer to that question. I’d gone too far with the lie to back out of it without losing face completely.

The Doctor told me "this will be more uncomfortable for me than you", For a moment I thought he was having a barbed jab at the shape and size of my butt. I wanted to tell him that if it was uncomfortable he really wanted, then he should go and shove his hand up the arse in Ricky May's bloated fucking corpse.

Eventually the Doctor, like a mercenary, cleanly and efficiently did the role for which he was paid. He'd extracted a McNugget, and seeing it dropped into a beaker to send to the labs, I felt my first flush of fatherly pride.

So, that was my "Darlinghurst" experience...the motto of the story is that you should never cry wolf, lest have you arse violated by a latex covered finger. Was it worth it? Not considering I spent the rest of the day curled in a foetal position cursing God.

[fathershark]

Education for All
Wednesday, May 22, 2002 - 11:03 AM -
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Some of you may be aware of the commercial range of courses offered by TAFE NSW, known as TAFE PLUS. These courses are specifically designed for the mobile phone miniaturising, spritzer sipping, BMW endorsing, Chardonnay set, and we can understand how some people could be a little taken aback by the associated expense, effort and time. It is incredibly unreasonable to ask this in return for, to use an example, a Certificate II in Bushland Regeneration. Simply put, F*CK that.
?

In an effort to improve our reach, TAFE NSW is pleased to announce a bold new collection of study pathways which have been developed by our world renowned Bogan Institute. These are targeted at the lowest common denominator in our society, those among us who are less intellectually developed than say a catfish.

It is with great pleasure that I introduce to you: TAFE MINUS

*Budgeting for Unemployment Benefits

*Making use of Negative Space in a Caravan

*Hygiene for Beginners (Your toothbrush does not belong in a gumboot next to a used condom you stupid f*cker)

*Chewing, Speaking, and Breathing: Refresher Course

*Get your Pen Licence in 10 easy steps

*Finding your Inner "Wife Beater". (Note: this is a prerequisite for the advanced subject: Beating without Bruising)

*Contraception for Beginners (only available to women with 2 or less illegitimate children. We won’t be wasting any more government resources on the others)

*Pawnshop Microeconomics

*The D.I.Y series: Semester 1 -
-Home Abortion
-Amphetamine Manufacture for Kids
-Redecorating your front lawn with a burnt out Kingswood

*Keeping the Gene Pool clean (formerly known as Cousins: the Love that dare not speak its name)

*Essay Technique: Commencing with the subject - Will the Department of Family and Community Services still love me in the morning?



Remember: Your own Stupidity need not be a barrier to further education.

[Muzzy Pepped]

"TAFE MINUS

*Budgeting for Unemployment Benefits"

LMAO ;D ;D ;D

[left]

Budgewoi- a domesticasted bird.

He he he....I will never be able to jump off the foot bridge into the water at Budgewoi again without chocking on my own chuckles.

[fathershark]

etc, etc, etc - are you a Coasty?

[left]

Nah, I'm from western Sydney.

I go on holidays at Terrigal all the time and I have relatives at Avoca and family friends at Budgewoi.

I wish I was a coasty.

[fathershark]

Be careful what you wish for buddy.....the Coast isn't something to be taken lightly

[fathershark]

"Date Posted: 13:30:57 06/19/02 Wed
Author: Geena Logenberry
Subject: Nintendo=Masturbation Aid for teenage girls.

'I have just caught my 15 year old girl, masturbating with a vibrating 'control pad' on a Nintendo Gamecube. Now I am banning this vibrator from my household, but I am concerned about other teenagers who are using these products as masturbation aids. I think that we should call for the banning of these so called game consoles'"

Call me old fashioned (but don't you fucking dare knobjockey), but I'd have never considered any game console to have the multi functionality that the above post, found on a newsgroup elsewhere, would suggest. In fact, I am so impressed with this girl's ingenuity, that I would like to throw it open to the group to match her conceptual actualisation (I'm feeling really articulate at the moment) with their own tales of inspirational inventiveness while exploring their own sexuality.

I am wondering if she clocked her personal best on "Luigi's Mansion" while climaxing...........

[somethingforkaty]

Oh my She was a resourceful young thing wasn't she! heehh he heh h hehehe

[fathershark]

I certainly didn't have those smarts when I was 15. I am still recovering from the cheese grater incident..........

[somethingforkaty]

Yikes!

Some guy told me that he tried to have some 'experiences' with his household vacuum cleaner. I was too scared to ask if he suceeded or not.

[fathershark]

Is this your fiance we are talking about Katy?

[somethingforkaty]

I don't think so... !!!!!!! LOL

[fathershark]

so katy, I need to ask - does he know about you and I?............