|
|
Post by fathershark on Jan 30, 2003 8:32:08 GMT 10
THE MOLLY AWARDS FOR 2002
The Mollys were established in 1999 by benevolent musical philanthropists intent on redressing the balance in the recognition afforded by the Australian music industry.
You see, here at the Molly Foundation, we believe that it's not enough to reward the high fliers that get honoured in every other Australian music awards list. Our mission is to give recognition to the unheralded achievers of the local music industry: those who tried just as hard, who put in the extra yards, but who sucked anyway (some of them quite literally). Decided on by a panel drawn from both media and industry that is so select it must remain shrouded in anonymity, the Mollys are Australian music's peak award for mediocrity. They are the fitting reward for a year of hard work on the rock and roll factory floor, a reflection of the unique talents that go to work making large amounts of unmitigated guff.
We'd like to take a moment to thank our inspiration, the man who has given his name to these awards, Mr Ian 'Molly' Meldrum. Although he doesn't know it, Mr Meldrum has been an inspirational force to people in music throughout Australia. He's a living embodiment of all the principles the Molly Foundation holds dear: the triumph of awfulness, mediocrity and crass commercialism over everything else. The fact that Molly has managed to carve a niche in the Australian music industry has gladdened the hearts of sad try-hards across the nation; he is walking, talking, living, breathing proof that anyone can succeed, no matter how talentless. So, thank you Molly for being our muse. And thanks in advance for not suing us.
|
|
|
|
Post by fathershark on Jan 30, 2003 8:32:42 GMT 10
WORST ALBUM
THE NOMINEES:
Grinspoon "New Detention"
Joanne "Do Not Disturb"
Alex Lloyd "Watching Angels Mend"
Machine Gun Fellatio "Paging Mr.Strike"
The Vines "Highly Evolved"
The Whitlams "Torch The Moon"
THE WINNER:
Machine Gun Fellatio "Paging Mr.Strike"
Once again it's been a rotten year for the Australian music industry, which meant difficult choices for Mollys voters. In an even field, Swoop mk.2 --aka Machine Gun Fellatio-- managed to beat out tubby troubadour Alex Lloyd, sub-silverchair bogans Grinspoon, corporate-rock hype merchants the Vines, and even make-up caked pop singer Joanne, whose suburban shopping centre appearances failed to help her debut 'disturb' the charts, her record label responding by kicking her career to the curb. The Whitlams came a close second, aided by a late rush of votes following singer Tim Freedman's appearance on Burke's Backyard, but it was the unfunny comedy-rock stylings of MGF that truly scaled the depths of musical-merde in 2002, and they emerged from the pack as worthy winners of the Mollys' highest accolade.
WORST SINGLE
THE NOMINEES:
Scott Cain "Crazy People Rock"
Scott Cain "I'm Moving On"
Grinspoon "Chemical Heart"
Machine Gun Fellatio "The Girl Of My Dreams (Is Giving Me Nightmares)"
Star Girls "Friends Like Me"
28 Days "Take Me Away"
THE WINNER:
Scott Cain "Crazy People Rock"
With two nominations, Popstars 'winner' Scott Cain, the recent recipient of management-decreed singing-lessons, was always going to be the frontrunner. His truly awful song --with the worst single title since silverchair's "Anthem For The Year 2000"-- and accompanying noxious video was more than enough to seal the deal, sealing Cain's fate as a no-hit wonder destined for his local Centrelink.
WORST DEBUT
THE NOMINEES:
Hayley Aitken
Scott Cain
Selwyn
Shakaya
Star Girls
The Vines
THE WINNER:
Scott Cain
While the Richard Wilkins-managed Shakaya and American-accent sporting Selwyn tried their tryhardest at making Aussie R&B (with their support slots for Destiny's Child showing their attempts will be really short-lived), it wasn't enough to match the wonder of the latest, er, Popstar, Scott Cain. You'd think someone with their own weekly television show specifically dedicated to their recording career could manage a decent chart entry, but Cain's debut album "Controlled Folly", aided by weeks of in-store/television promotion, could only enter the charts at 49. Forty-fucking-nine. Now that's a poor debut.
|
|
|
|
Post by fathershark on Jan 30, 2003 8:33:38 GMT 10
WORST LIVE ACT
THE NOMINEES:
Full Fathom Five
Hamish
Machine Gun Fellatio
Off-Cuts
The Vines
The Whitlams
THE WINNER:
The Vines
In front of packed-out shows waiting to see Australia's latest great white hopes rock like nobody's business, The Vines rocked like nobodys, putting on performances that would've seen them booed of the stage at high-school talent-shows. It's not that Craig Nicholls occasionally sings off-key, it's that he seems to have no idea what key is, warbling with a childish sneer in some pathetic evocation of air-guitar fantasies whilst the disinterested rhythm-section cash their paycheck. And what's with all the poodle-metal-style power-ballads?
WORST PRODUCTION
THE NOMINEES:
Nick Howard, Michael Szumowski - Scott Cain "Controlled Folly"
David Nicolas - George "Polyserena"
Phil McKellar - Grinspoon "New Detention"
Pound System - Rocket Science "Contact High"
Paul Begaud - Selwyn "Meant To Be"
Chong Lim/001 Productions - Nikki Webster "Something More Beautiful"
THE WINNER:
Nick Howard, Michael Szumowski - Scott Cain "Controlled Folly"
Like cockroaches, members of the Australian music-biz never die. And former success-vacuum solo-singer Nick Howard and wetsuit-wearing Indecent Obsession loser Michael Szumowski have hitched their washed-up wagons to the shining star of television's Popstars. With the pathetic production punch the pair brough to Scott Cain's table, maybe it might be time for our Worst Producers to start seeking a new cashcow. And Howard's wife, Sloane, might want to white-out the 'Manager for Scott Cain' entry on her cv. Incidentally, as manager, does she have to help reimburse 20% of the advance-money that Scott'll never recoup?
WORST ARTWORK
THE NOMINEES:
Hayley Aitken "Kiss Me Quick"
Bachelor Girl "Dysfunctional"
Silverchair "Diorama"
TISM "Bestoff"
Holly Valance "Down Boy"
Nikki Webster "Something More Beautiful"
THE WINNER:
Holly Valance "Down Boy"
Trying her best to kickstart the Chiko Roll Chick Chic movement, Our Holly donned the tiny shorts and massive hair to Samantha Fox effect for her saucily-titled song "Down Boy", delighting hundreds of thousands of 13 year-old British boys in the process. After getting her kit off in her first video, and going this trashy for her second single, how much more slutty can little Flick get? And when're the British press going to 'break' the story about her boyfriend?
WORST VIDEO CLIP
THE NOMINEES:
Hayley Aitken "Kiss Me Quick"
Bachelor Girl "I'm Just A Girl"
Bodyjar "One In A Million"
Resin Dogs "Set It Off"
Star Girls "Friends Like Me"
Holly Valance "Kiss Kiss"
THE WINNER:
Bachelor Girl "I'm Just A Girl"
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I can see her nipples! Lord Jesus, please, strike me blind. (note: this is the second-most expensive video ever made in Australia)
WORST USE OF STYLIST
THE NOMINEES:
Killing Heidi
Selwyn
Shakaya
Star Girls
Holly Valance
Nikki Webster
THE WINNER:
Killing Heidi
The bumper-crop of styled-to-death pop puppets unleashed on the market this year ensured stiff competition in this category. But old ugly-ass/badly-clothed hands Killing Heidi beat off stiff competition from Star Girls --especially 'the fat one who's been cruelly poured into latex', as voters noted-- to take the annual can't-polish-a-turd title. Those Collingwood-themed rags and the drummer's Collingwood-themed Cruella DeVille haircut at the AFL Grand Final were good for something after all...
UGLIEST SEX SYMBOL
THE NOMINEES:
Scott Cain
Phil Jamieson
Dylan Lewis
Craig Nicholls
Shakaya
Nikki Webster
THE WINNER:
Phil Jamieson
Rock is back, even in a traditionally pop-dominated category like ugliest sex symbol. With perennial winner Alex Lloyd declared ineligible --he can no longer be considered sexy by any stretch of the imagination-- it came down to a battle of the frontmen: Grinspoon's chinless Phil 'packed on the pounds' Jamieson versus the Vines' tosspot Craig 'Maccas' Nicholls. And the winner, by a suspiciously sniffly nose, is Big Fat Phil, who impressed judges with his somnolence, arrogance and other three-syllable words he wouldn't understand.
|
|
|
|
Post by fathershark on Jan 30, 2003 8:34:08 GMT 10
WORST HYPE JOB
THE NOMINEES:
Scott Cain
Charlton Hill
Jet
Lash
The Vines
Waikiki
THE WINNER:
Jet
A controversial upset victory for Melbourne's pathetic rock-combo Jet, whose independent hype-fellating efforts edged out the multi-million dollar campaign conducted on behalf of Sydney's Vines, to take the title. Although they're unsigned as yet, Jet have nonetheless managed to engineer a gigantic backlash against themseleves --proof that you can too be screwed before you even start.
WORST RECORD CO. WRITE-OFF
THE NOMINEES:
Aneiki
Bachelor Girl
Scott Cain
Crash Palace
Lash
Danielle Spencer
THE WINNER:
Aneiki
An a who? Bachelor Girl's post-"Buses and Trains" career proves that a funny-shaped head alone isn't enough to sustain a career; all-girl pop-project Lash was where the people behind the Vines learnt what not to do; OS soundtrack specialists Crash Palace crashed out; and Danielle Spencer will have to sell some more 'Rusty and me' stories to New Idea. But the fact no-one noticed the spectacular launch of pop project Aneiki --after they'd been flown around the world for a year to write hit-singles-- is enough to earn the gong.
WORST MEDIA BLOW JOB
THE NOMINEES:
Lash
Motor Ace
Pacifier
Holly Valance
The Vines
Waikiki
THE WINNER:
Pacifier
Motor Ace and Waikiki were available any time anyone wanted, Holly took the concept of Blowjob to heart, and the Vines were in the NME every fucking week. But the winner is Pacifier, who hyped their name change (from Shihad) as if it wasn't just a weak, snivelling, spineless, we-do-what-they-tell-us sell-out effort to enter the US market. Yeah, and Flowers changed their name to Icehouse, too --look how much good it did them...
WORST COME BACK
THE NOMINEES:
Jimmy Barnes in the KFC ads
John Farnham
Hamish
Natalie Imbruglia
the entire cast of the Long Way To The Top concerts
Pollyanna
THE WINNER:
the entire cast of the Long Way To The Top concerts
Remember Cordrazine? No? Hamish used to be in them. Heard of him? No? Thus the nomination. Natalie's second album was called "White Lilies Island"; white lilies are what you take to funerals, like the one held for the death of her career. Meanwhile, Jimmy Barnes and John Farnham, like the whores they are, did it solely for the money. But the breathtaking 'last chance to cash in before we die' audacity of the Long Way To The Top concert series wins hands-down, with no-name geezers Glenn A. Baker hasn't even heard of fronting for their three-and-a-half-minutes of, uh, fame in front of arenas filled with crowds trying to get sentimental about days they no longer remember. For that, we salute these conniving, cantankerous old bastards. But, just don't do it again.
UNRECOUPABLE DEBT HALL OF FAME
However, for others in the Australian Music Industry 2002 has not been so celebratory. Let us take this moment to honour the sadly fallen of yesteryear. This year has been a mournful one; many fine and mighty acts have passed away to the great big Mercury Lounge in the sky, killed by enormous unrecovered recoupment accounts. True showbiz troupers, they never gave up hope, even when their A&R blocked their incoming calls, even when their company wouldn't even get them a story in street-press. These folk fought the good fight to the bitter end... but mortality claims us all eventually, and not even the most stalwart efforts could save these sales-challenged tryhards.
THE MOLLY FOUNDATION INDUCTS INTO THE UNRECOUPABLE DEBT HALL OF FAME:
Aneiki
Scott Cain
Chakradiva
Eskimo Joe
Human Nature
Joanne
On Inc.
Scandal'us
Space Like Alice
Tali
And on the SWEET RELIEF CRITICALLY-ILL LIST:
Bachelor Girl
Grinspoon
Groove Terminator
Hamish
Natalie Imbruglia
Lash
Danielle Spencer
The Vines
Let your thoughts and prayers be with the friends and families of these fine recording artists. But, life goes on, and we here at the Molly Foundation are eager for the next 12 months to roll by, the passing of time leaving us so many musical mementos of the Australian music industry's innate mediocrity. Until next year, when we'll do it all again!
|
|
MARK!
captain
Viva Emptiness
Posts: 528
|
Post by MARK! on Jan 30, 2003 12:35:17 GMT 10
.... and all bands mentioned were pretty awful.....
|
|
|
|
Post by Lounge Act on Jan 30, 2003 13:34:55 GMT 10
i think the androids should have got a mention
|
|
|
|
Post by fathershark on Jan 30, 2003 13:51:55 GMT 10
.... and all bands mentioned were pretty awful..... with the exception of Pollyanna right?......... |
|
|
|
Post by Tiberius on Jan 30, 2003 19:39:08 GMT 10
Ahh yes, the Molly Awards. ;D
The Vines should have won more. Craig Nicholls is a nut. I was reading today that he was asked as the final question in an interview if The Vines were splitting up. His response? He asked to inspect the tape recorder which the naive journalist permitted. Then he threw it against the wall smashing it, then to make sure it was destroyed he rammed his guitar into it smashing it to bits thus leaving the journalist without her recording. Idiot.
|
|
|
|
Post by Lounge Act on Jan 30, 2003 19:49:44 GMT 10
they got worst live act, which they thouroughly deserved. they had some tough competition, scott cain is a recording artist
but i hope the vines release a cracking second album. i didnt like anything about highly evolved but there is potentianal there. i also hope they get a new frontman, or craig nicholls changes his act
|
|
MARK!
captain
Viva Emptiness
Posts: 528
|
Post by MARK! on Jan 30, 2003 21:03:45 GMT 10
with the exception of Pollyanna right?......... well they'd probably be the best band listed.... but i'm still far from being a fan  |
|
|
|
Post by fathershark on Jan 31, 2003 13:09:58 GMT 10
well you need to have a listen to more of their stuff - with a career spanning four albums, 2 EP's, and 9 singles (with about 20 odd b-sides) there is much to take in.
Give me a postal address and I'll send you a CD with what I think are their best stuff.
|
|
|
|
Post by larry emdur is my hero! on Jan 31, 2003 13:52:42 GMT 10
Craig Nicholls is a nut. I was reading today that he was asked as the final question in an interview if The Vines were splitting up. His response? He asked to inspect the tape recorder which the naive journalist permitted. Then he threw it against the wall smashing it, then to make sure it was destroyed he rammed his guitar into it smashing it to bits thus leaving the journalist without her recording. Idiot. that's exactly the sort of stuff craig should be doing more of. It'd teach the so called music 'journalists" not to ask such stupid questions. The Vines haven't done anything to make me respect them as musicians, but as entertainers, well, for the lack of a better word, they're damn entertaining. They do crazy rock n roll shit...like trash sets and hotel rooms and get kicked off tv shows...or at least they pretend to...and it's damn hillarious. |
|
|
|
Post by fathershark on Jan 31, 2003 13:55:21 GMT 10
It is pretty "rock". It is also pretty fucking juvenile.
|
|
MARK!
captain
Viva Emptiness
Posts: 528
|
Post by MARK! on Jan 31, 2003 14:33:27 GMT 10
well you need to have a listen to more of their stuff - with a career spanning four albums, 2 EP's, and 9 singles (with about 20 odd b-sides) there is much to take in. Give me a postal address and I'll send you a CD with what I think are their best stuff. well, i have heard a fair bit.... i.e all the singles, plus i had the live at the wireless thing they did, and i think i've heard all of delta city skies...... but i only like a couple of songs........ though i really liked brittle tan broken (i think thats what its called), but most of their songs were too poppy for my likings |
|
|
|
Post by WithoutWords on Jan 31, 2003 14:37:12 GMT 10
i've probably already said this, but i cant be fucked reading back, so i'll jsut say it again.......
craig nichols cant play when he's trashed, he just gives up and he kinda sucks, he think he's kurt cobain, and he aint
kurt could play trashed, eg. unplugged in new york, undoubtedly, in my opion, a fantastic live performance, but he was completly high
so craig has alot to learn......like myabe not playing trashed sometimes
|
|
