Tell me your problems...

[Catfish]

"i do know one thing though, bitches they come they go."

and probably dumb-ass guys too...

your friend will probably get over this as long as:
1. they weren't actually "together" (and friends sometimes get over that too)
2. you're still young. this stuff happens, eventually people realize that and realize how dumb they've been to lose a good friend over it.

[am]

can i have a turn at having a whinge right now?

ok, well... my problem is that i'm screwed... and i managed to get that way all by myself... "i dug this hole so i can get out of it, and if i can't, i'll pretend to be proud of it"
i cannot find the motivation to do school work.. i can't see the fucking point... well.. aside from grades that will get me to uni and then to a good job... but i don't feel motivated and i'm failing at least one subject... i don't think i'll pass grade twelve and i feel like shit. i manage some how to put off and put off asignments untill they're so overdue they're hardly worth submitting 'cause all possible marks will be deducted for lateness... what the hell is wrong with me? why can't i just sit down and do the damn things? why do i paralze myself with fear so that i just can't do it... why do i trick myself into thinking that i can't do it? i know that i could, that all i need to do is start and the rest will follow but i just can't seem to get started... even with the mildly interesting ones. i can tell myself that i won't go to bed untill i've at least started the first paragraph and then i find that it's daylight and i've not written a single damn word and i've spent the night fucking around...
is procrastination some sort of disease? is there some sort of drug i can take that'll make it go away? i just get so depressed about it. my mum thinks it's a self esteem problem.. every problem any teenager has is always self esteem...
i guess i'm just so down on myself that i can convince me that anything i write will suck so bad that it's not worth writing...
friends are beautiful. they tell me that they love me, and i believe them.. i just can't see why. i don't see that i've got anything i can give this world. all i see is that i manage to take a hell of a lot, but i can't seem to find a way to repay. i know that the only reason i'm still alive is to avoid hurting the people who love me. I'm some sort of talentless freak, but somehow i've managed to convince people to love me.
i don't think there's anything anyone can say to cure my screwed up-ness, but thank you for listening anyway. love you all.

[back2u]

^WOW it's me circa yr 7-8 before I knew who I was.^

Mate you are willing to write yourself off so early in the game. I think one of your main problems is you aren't willing to get to know yourself, and i don't think you cn class it as self-esteem issues.

I think it's a completely different thing to have low self esteem and to loathe yourself. The greatest forms of self expression I found in helping me come to appreciate myself were Music and poetry, you can still think they are shithouse and you don't have to show it to anyone else if you don't wish to but you should do some free flow writing, pretty soon your subconsious will take over and you'll find you get to the crux of why you are feeling so fucked up.

As for school, if you are not feeling comfortable there check out. The best advice anyone ever gave me was not to worry about the HSC, the most insightful person I know got in the under 20 bracket for his TER, when he told me this I thought hmm something is screwy here this HSC thing isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Fair enough if you have a specific thing you are working towards focus on it. But if like I was in high school you find yourself wanting nothing more than to escape the shit that is going on around you and being happy, I suggest you don't worry about your marks at all, you can always go back and do it at tafe.

Me personally I did the HSC but I did the no stress HSC because I didn't give a shit about it. I treated it like all previous exams, didn't study and went in with all the knowledge I'd retained from the year and a half of work prior to it and was confident that I'd be happy with whatever I got because I had no vested interest in it whatsoever.

Ended up going to UNI.

Oh and a little tip too that might help you in life, learn to tell your head to shut up once in a while, you really are your own worst enemy.

Hope at least some of this ramble has been helpful!

[Kristy]

Hmmm it's tough, i don't think i quite know the pressure that is placed on you in yr.12 cuz i did it at TAFE and i think that's somewhat different, the pressure i had was my own (believe me that was enough) but i somehow managed to get into uni despite improving my procrastantion skills a hell of alot (must have done something else right too...) but i can't stick with something if i don't wanna be there... i wouldn't have been able to do yr.12 if i didn't have goals for when i finished.. some of your problems may come from low self esteem... i think on some level when i leave assignments til the last minute its kinda so i can say 'oh well imagine how good i would have done if i'd actually put some effort in etc etc...'

But i wish you all the best for the remander of the year, stay strong, maybe go see the school counsellor and talk about your problems they might be able to give you some good study tips if nothing else

[tilted]

i took a break from studying for my modern history trials to come on here so i'm in the right mindframe to reply lol..

dude - school is not the be all and end all.

It is this institution into which we are plunged, regardless of our suitability to the value system it imposes upon us:

You are worthy if you get good marks... you are unworthy if you dont.

It's BULLSHIT.

Who is it that ever said talent came from being able to cramp your hand up for an hour and regurgitate something you never wanted to learn about in the first place, the only motivation being a number, sorry.. a PASS or FAIL... to get you into more hand cramping and regurgitating in a different environment...?

its insane. talent just means something that you are good at. You might be damn good at drawing and just don't let anyone know because you're too shy to or something.. You might be really good at computing, or even giving advice to people or something. And it is ALL worthy. Schools, depending on where you go, might or might not value your personal qualities, and in general, they don't. They just want you to get good marks to boost their reputation to continue their survival in the education system.

What you've got to realise is that school is not forever and who you are in school is not who you will be forever. You dont have to stay there, especially if it is squashing what sense of self you have left.

There are many other options.. such as tafe.. such as working..

and if you're really confused and still feel guilty about wanting to say goodbye to school, then speak to someone who knows you well and can give you advice.

You dont deserve to be ruined by an institution you were forced to adhere to...

and maybe the reason you can't "repay" is because the things you have been given have been hollow.. shallow and not anything that has actually helped you grow as a person. You can't be expected to reciprocate hollow and shallow if you aren't a hollow and shallow being. And you're not.

So dont let the bastards down (theres some latin quote for that i forget hehe)

I've been pretty good at regurgitating facts and playing up to teachers expectations and im lucky that i can do what society expects and values... but even i'm stressing out about the hsc and think that school is a shite place. So dont harm yourself by staying there if its not for you, ok?

[eskimo]

" dude - school is not the be all and end all. "

most people don't realise that until after the hsc :/ because that's how the teachers make it out to us.. if you don't get it right this year, then you're fooked because you won't be able to get a job. it's all bs!

[am]

argh.. thank you all.. you're beautiful
i knew all along that it's not the end of the world, i think i just really really needed to be reminded again..
i only have a few months left, i'll stay, if i pass, i pass and i'll either be able to use it or i wont, if i fail, i fail, and i'll live, there'll be something for me to do out there somewhere.. either way i think i need a break from studying. i think i need to grow up a little more. i think i'll work for a while, maybe travel as well.
i've been so down for the past few months, but i think just looking at what it is that gets me that way helps. makes me realise that i'm being silly and yeah, i need to let my head shut up for a while.
i find drawing helps, i just look in the mirror and draw what i see.. except that usually it doesn't look like me, it looks more like what i'm feeling... but it only works sometimes.. and it never looks like anything i'd want to share.. but it's good.. makes me feel better, usually. and writing does a bit too.

thank you all lots and lots for reminding me what's important.. i needed that heaps.

[singingcirclesaway]

I don't even know what my problem is anymore. Maybe it's a bit of everything. I have this permanent terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, I think I just worry too much though. Everytime I talk to my mum I feel like it'll be the last time I'll ever speak to her, and I get really scared. Just trivial, pointless things like that. I'm a really passive person too, I let people walk all over me, influence everything I do. I'm so indecisive I can't even decide what is wrong with me. Í'm scared I'll fail uni, I'm scared I'll amount to nothing, I'm scared I'll never be what my dad expects me to be. I'm scared I'll never be happy, I think that's the big one. I can't remember being happy, I can't remember smiling and really meaning it, feeling it deep down. I feel so bloody superficial, all the bloody time. I'm letting my ex get the better of me with only a hug, and then I crumble and it's just... that's it. I can't sleep and I loathe everything about myself. I'm never going to be happy, I just feel it.

[back2u]

Mel happiness is often something that we can only remember if we analyse the past. When you are happy in a moment you rarely catch yourself.
It's one of the most elusive things in the world, but the worst way in the world to find it is to go looking for it because all you end up doing is chasing you're tail.

What you need to first do is seek contentment with yourself and your life, not by anyone elses standards by your own learn to accept your flaws and weaknesses as part of what makes you you.

About the death thing, this is going to sound harsh but everyone will die and you cannot control when or where or in what way it will happen. You need to assess what your real fears are with this, e.g. that your last conversation with the person will end badly and they with hate you to the grave.

From someone who has had alot of people die in my life I can tell you for the dying person this is not an issue, they have greater concerns. And if it is a concern for you, you have to look at the bigger picture and see how you have affected that person's life over all.

Can't help you with the ex thing though wish I could but I'd feel a hypocrit

[Kristy]

jumbled said:

I think i just worry too much though. Everytime I talk to my mum I feel like it'll be the last time I'll ever speak to her, and I get really scared. Just trivial, pointless things like that.

I get that but only sometimes, it's so hard... i think to myself if i go back i will be even more miserable and as a result have a not so great realtionship with my parents, but if i stay i am missing out on so much and what really is important - going to a good uni or spending time with your family... am i a bad person because i like my life here, i like being superficial and i can't make myself not like the things that sparkle... i know it's bad but i can't stop... and i'll be miserable if i go back maybe because i stop and i see things how life is... but how life is here is different should my happiness rely that much on where i live and if it does what does that say about me...? I am just a product of the city i live in...?

[tilted]

yeh, i desperately want to move out of home for uni next year.. i get so swallowed up in anger and frustration at home i hate myself when im around my parents. They dont want me to leave, have offered me a uni allowance they'll pay if i stay at home.. but in some ways i'd be willing to sacrifice all of their monetry support just to gain some independence from the tyranny of my dad (eek)...

they love me and stuff.. i just find home to be such a depressing, tragic place. my parents have hardly any interests and give little to each other. its not a very stimulating environment.

i feel bad for wanting to leave, but also, i feel i need to grow outside of this place.

so basically, i think its not bad to feel like you do kristy. Happiness should not have to be analysed. If you are genuinely happy, then you are in the right place.

[Kristy]

greenline said:

Happiness should not have to be analysed.

Try telling that to my head!! According to it EVERYTHING must be analysed...

[tilted]

me too.. infact didnt i analyse the fact that happiness should not have to be analysed ;D

i get told to stop anylysing everthing by my friends on an hourly basis

[singingcirclesaway]

I know. I know it all. Getting there is something different.

I don't know if death scares me, but yeah, I've grown close to mum since leaving home (we never really got along, but I love her more than anything now I'm gone) and I just want her to know that, and I don't ever want to hurt or disappoint her. I'm scared I'll fuck it up again. (A lot of my relatives are dead, and I never got to meet half of them, or even form a relationship with most because of the distance. This is my mum, I only get one, and she's the fucking BEST. I can't get over how much I value her.) I'm just scared. I dunno.

[am]

fuck... i'm drunk

is it sad to get drunk at home drinking from your parents bottle of vodka? probably...

anyway...so this is why people feel like getting drunk when they're down? it makes it all seem kinda funny... but i have to be careful not to fall off this chair 'cause they're home now...

i have 2 thingsdue tomoroww but i think i'll go to bed befpre i fall over... fuick i';ts getting harder to tyrpe properly...
did i mention this is the first time i've been drunk? well it is... apart from that other night.. but i went to bed straight away.. i thought i was just helping myself sleep.... but my mum's alchoholic.. maybe i am too.. i didn't want to foind out but after the night before last.. i've been waiting for a chance to drink again... perhaps i' only feeling sad.... you all made me feell a little better before... crap.. i'm gonna fall over soon,.., every time i stop consentrating i nearly fall over...

so yeah.. haha.. i suck.. bet you can't fix it...

anyone else think look at buildings and think of jumping every day..

those internet thingys where you see if you're depressed or not.. told me i was mildly... i think it's cause i think about death... it'd be nice... to be dead.. maybe not dying... but maybe if i was drunk like now and my brain was mostly dead i wouldn't worry about hurting anyone...

maybe i shouldn't get any drunker in future.. how do you spell futuere? crap...

yeah.,. i might die..

but no.... it's all not that bad.. i dunno why i feel so crap though...

sleep is good...

like that song sleep is worth the wait... yep.. it's true... i never wanna wake up agian...

do you get worse even if you don't drink more
'cause i feel like falling over even more now..

i'm xjust tired i think...

will i feel sick in the moring?

g'night every one...





dont worry i wont kill myself... i just want to is all....